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Introducing myself

My name is Stacey. I am a wife and mother to three stepsons, and triplet girls. That's really the best I can describe myself. Of course there is a story to tell, but I don't want that story to be me. Meeting new people and putting myself out there is a rather difficult process. I used to be comfortable meeting new people, confident that I could make a new friend, and that I could have fun in any situation. I used to feel like i was a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. But regretfully, it all seemed to disappear and ashes of a woman are all that's left. It makes me sad and embarassed that i'm really not able to be who I used to be. That woman died with Amarah. So what kind of person are people meeting? So to start a blog feels very scarey, because I really have no idea how to introduce myself. I really have no idea who I am yet. Many people may remember the old me, and grow tired of waiting for that person to come back. I suppose that's all part of this new learning process. As babies we spend our days laying around until the day we are strong enough to crawl, then become a little bit stronger and start to walk. Falling down OFTEN! Eventually we get very good at walking and running. Many days I feel very much like a baby. Relying on support of others and not understanding my surroundings. I am relearning how to live. No parent can imagine living without their child. I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone. When is happens its like getting dropped in the middle of the ocean. No life vests, and no one in sight to save you. You are hanging on to your remaining children and spouse struggling to keep them above water. But your actually drowning, and just getting enough air to keep your heart beating. The waves are beating over you for days, weeks, months, and all you can do it take it, and fight to keep your family above water. Then one day you find some driftwood floating, and it helps you just a little bit to stay afloat. Then you find another piece. Then you begin to build a life on that water using leftovers floating around you. You begin to accept that you now live in the water, maybe never seeing a glimpse of the old world that disappeared. So you rebuild with whatever you can find. There is nothing pretty about the new life you are trying to build, but its something, and you begin to hope that you can make something. There is no way to imagine losing a child. But that's the best way to imagine what it feels like...every single second of every single day. I have realized life will go on, and our family will learn our new way of life. I am far from good at it yet, but I am starting see there is light up ahead and the more steps I take the brighter that light is. Some days I take a few steps back and that light gets a bit dim, but it does keep coming back. There is no great way to introduce myself, because I am still finding out who that is. I am a grieving mother.

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