I was just reading my my old posts, realizing only two were published. After the first year i did not write another word. While reading them i could feel the tears creeping up and remember how truly helpless i felt in those moments. I see that i have tried to keep myself hidden. I miss my daughter, and the woman i used to be while her beautiful feet walked this earth. The death of a child completely changes and destroys a parent. I have wanted to keep that new person hidden from most people. I don't want anyone see that i feel like I'm failing. I keep setting this harsh expectation for myself that i should be doing better than I am. But i have to allow myself to comprehend and accept that this new person I've become, is not someone that deserves to be hidden.
As mothers we like to think we can do the impossible, that we can invoke super human powers to keep our children safe and healthy. We expect ourselves to see what can't be seen. And once a mother is forced to realize that we are not super humans, and that we can't see the future, and that we can't change the future. We do this terrible thing to ourselves by blaming ourselves!! We see ourselves as failures because we couldn't save them. If only we had this superpower, our children would still be here! We would give our beating heart to keep our children with us, and we would willingly endure every ounce of pain they may possibly feel. But we don't possess that power. No one deserves to be tormented in such a way. Yet many of us mothers are causing the torment on ourselves. We can't do that to ourselves!
The powers we do possess as mothers are strength, courage, unconditional love, and the ability to keep our children's memory alive. Those truly are incredible powers we carry in our heart and soul. The most powerful is to keep the memory of them present. But my goodness, it is one painful power to call upon. But isn't that part of what we expect of ourselves, to endure any amount of pain for the benefit of our child. When I became a mother, I never expected that this would be the story of motherhood for me. But when we find out we are carrying life in our bodies, we immediately commit to loving that child no matter what their future holds. This just so happens to be part of that commitment for some of us. The love will NEVER stop. As mothers we need to remember to BE KIND TO OURSELVES. We did not do this to our child, we could not stop this from happening to our child. But what we can do is be strong, courageous, kind, and remember them, and introduce their memory as often as possible. Because they were here, they were beautiful, and they are being so brave and patient while they wait for the day when we get to reunite with them.